Yo Momma's so Prothean
by paxbanana
Summary: ME-kmeme fills that are humorous (or attempt to be). Topics: heiroglyphs, hair, and husks.
1. Yo Momma's so Prothean

AN: Series of more comedic ME3 k-meme fills.

* * *

**Yo Momma's so Prothean**

Prompt: Ancient Prothean data tablets that have captivated the imagination of asari for years turn out to be trivial/crude jokes.

* * *

When Shepard got home, she found Liara crowding Javik, gesturing at her data pad and speaking in a low, earnest voice. If Shepard had ever had any inkling that Liara might leave her for someone else, she might have been alarmed at this scene. Though if Liara left her for anyone, it would be for Javik.

No, this was a familiar sight now that the war had ended and Javik had put off his…eternal rest to write a book with the esteemed Dr. T'soni—always so smugly said, of course. (Esteemed Dr. T'soni of the primitive asari race who have come so far and are still so far behind, he always meant.) Shepard wondered what the topic was today as she stripped off her jacket and settled down on the couch. Shepard leaned her head back and just listened to the voice of her lover.

"I completely forgot to ask you about these Prothean data tablets. It's embarrassing, actually, since I spent nearly fifteen years of my undergraduate study with my adviser attempting to translate them. We got farther than anyone else towards deciphering its meaning."

Javik cleared his throat. He was silent for a beat. "And how long has your people been trying to translate this…Prothean mystery?"

"It was discovered eight thousand years ago. We unearthed a cipher of sorts only a few hundred years ago, which is why my adviser and I managed to translate what we did."

"Ah, and what did you deduce, Dr. T'soni?"

Shepard cracked open one eye. Javik's tone had been a little weird.

"This symbol here we managed to roughly translate to 'goddess'. We thought it might be a religious commandment at first. But then we cross-referenced to several other partially translated pieces and realized that this particular symbol was a possessive, casting its own properties upon the feminine symbol. We concluded it was actually a prayer, a prayer to the goddess."

Shepard wondered if Liara had offended Javik. His upper lip was twitching dramatically. "A prayer. Of course."

Liara waited a moment. "Well?" she finally asked. "Were we right?"

"The…interpretations were, perhaps a little…overzealous."

Liara frowned. She and Javik together studied the data pad. Liara's brow was furrowed; she concentrated as she studied the rendered picture of the artifact. Javik's normally placid face was undergoing twitches at a faster rate. Shepard sat up. Was it possible that Javik was trying not to laugh? Shepard reviewed the conversation, and her jaw dropped. A possessive referring to a maternal figure… "Oh, my god. It's a 'yo mama' joke, isn't it?"

That was all it took. Javik's mouth cracked open, and he bared his teeth in a fierce silent laugh. He tried to compose himself, but his lip continued to curl upward. "It says 'your mother is so fat…'"

Liara's face had taken a slightly disgusted look. "You're not serious."

"No, Dr. T'soni. I'm joking." Javik looked like he was about to have a seizure. His whole head began to shiver.

"What's the rest of the joke?" Shepard asked, hoping to ease the tense silence that emanated from Liara. Plus, she was a little curious.

"I'm afraid the punch-line, as you humans say, has been lost to the ages." Javik's lip began to twitch again. "What a travesty."

Liara's silently watched Javik for a few moments before her face took on a familiar haughty expression Shepard found reminiscent of Aria. "Primitive," she pronounced, turning on her heel and stalking out of the room.

Javik now looked like he'd tasted something unpleasant.

"Well," Shepard told him. "I thought it was funny."


	2. Alien isn't always exotic

**Alien isn't always exotic**

Prompt: Being involved with an alien means that your partner will have habits that you may not understand. That you might find utterly bizarre and even a little gross - but also very endearing, even if you don't get them. Shepard has an alien LI and while they love each other very dearly, they both have the aforementioned habits to which the other reacts with utter confusion. Go wild, anon.

* * *

Liara took only a few moments to gape at Shepard, who was bent over the sink, using a pair of tweezers to pluck hair from over her eyes.

"What in the goddess's name are you doing?"

Shepard glanced at her in the mirror but didn't shift positions. "I'm tweezing my eyebrows."

"But why?"

She shrugged. "They were getting a little overgrown." She deftly continued the process. "I'm not too keen on waxing them, but they need a little taming."

Liara tried with all her might to conceptualize 'waxing' and could only picture someone coating their eyebrows in hot, colored wax. She was fairly sure she'd have noticed if a human walked around with that accessory. "What in the galaxy is waxing?"

Shepard took one look at her horrified expression and bent double in laughter. "Oh, I just realized how weird that would sound out of context." She set down her tweezers and rubbed at her eyebrows where the skin had gone pink. "Okay, basically, you rub hot wax onto the areas where you want the hair gone. Then a piece of cloth goes over it. Wait for it to cool, then…" Shepard made a tearing sound between her teeth and mimed ripping cloth away from her face.

If possible, Liara was more horrified. "But why? Surely you need that hair there. Isn't it painful?"

Shepard shrugged. "It's not that bad. And normal people don't take it all off, just shape it. Like I do with my…" She gestured to her crotch.

Another epiphany. "But what shape is it naturally?"

"Well, it grows a little longer and thicker than I like to keep it. And, you know, less confined to the area."

Liara stared at Shepard's crotch, trying to picture it. "I'd like to see it in its natural state. Or does it grow long like the hair on the top of your head?" She had a somewhat unpleasant vision of Shepard growing a long beard—that was what human men called it, right?—between her legs. That didn't seem in the least bit practical.

Shepard put a hand to her face and laughed helplessly into it. "No, it doesn't get long, but it's not as short as I keep it. That makes it sound like a forest."

"A forest? No, I just would like to see you how you are." A thought occurred to Liara. She touched her forehead. "Oh. Now I understand! Joker asked me if I enjoyed carpet-munching. Is he referring to your…hair down there?"

"It's pubic hair, to be more accurate." Shepard's mouth turned. "I'll have a chat with Joker."

"I suppose I should amend my response next time I speak with him."

A slow grin spread along Shepard's face, and she settled into Liara's arms. "Better yet, just do that. I want to be there though."

"Will you stop, um, tweezing?"

"Erm, I'd feel weird about it, not to mention I don't feel sexy with hairy legs or armpits. I only tweeze my eyebrows, by the way."

Liara's eyes rounded. "You grow hair everywhere, don't you?"

"Yep, that not sexy thing? I'm feeling it right now. That's why I shave and trim."

"Can I at least watch next time?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow and accepted a kiss from Liara. "Okay, I guess."

"I promise to reward by munching appropriately."

Once again, Shepard burst into laughter. "That's never going to be a sexy line, Liara, but I appreciate it."


	3. Husks, etc

**It's a sad day when a crack fic makes more sense than canon**

Prompt: Shepard saves the day but falls on a Dragon's Tooth and becomes a husk. Basically, the galaxy doesn't give a damn that Shepard has a bad case of zombie and figures she can just suck it up and help everyone with their problems, just like she always has. Cue hijinx!

* * *

In retrospect, maybe someone should have helped Shepard stagger to safety. At the time—or at least they claimed—all of Shepard's support crew was too busy gazing at her in awe of the fact that the Reapers were dead. It was a BIG DEAL. In the end, no one really came down on them for what happened. It was an accident. A horrible, completely random accident.

They all watched in what felt like slow-motion as Shepard tripped and fell onto a Dragon's Tooth. They watched as her body as thrust into the air and was…huskified.

An eerie silence descended upon the crew as they circled her now prostrate form. She was naked, blue and black, circuits visible across her skin. At least, Garrus thought, she didn't have hair anymore.

"This is awkward." The turian finally communicated the extent of the situation.

"Talk about it," Wrex mumbled.

"Maybe we should back up," Vega suggested. "She was pretty dangerous as a human, you know?"

Everyone took a step back.

Shepard-husk shifted, staggered to her feet, and gave a long moan. She blinked around, moaned once more, and promptly sat down.

"Well… Maybe no one will notice," Kasumi said.

"Maybe we should just…put her out of her misery, you know. And say she died before she got back down to Earth via that giant laser…thing."

Liara shot Ashley a sharp glare. "I think after all Shepard has been through, and all that the galaxy needs her now, that's not a particularly good idea."

"Fine," Ashley mumbled. "Last time I give any suggestions."

Shepard-husk groaned. She got to her feet and staggered towards Ashley. Shepard-husk stopped in front of her and promptly threw up on her feet.

"Eww! Please, can I kill her?!"

"NO!"

* * *

In retrospect, allowing the Alliance to go through with its award ceremony was probably not a good idea. Liara had suggested they beg off Shepard as being sick, but she'd been overruled by the human members of the Normandy—who, she later found out, would have been forced to give a speech in Shepard's place.

So Shepard-husk—wearing an Alliance uniform that was a little worse for wear by the time four of them had wrestled it onto Shepard-husk's body—stood at the podium and drooled fluorescent liquid onto the wood there.

She said, "Yeurgha." Then she began to crew on the microphone. The microphone squealed painfully then went dead, and all that could be heard was the faint crunch and grind of Shepard-husk's crewing.

Hackett quickly intervened and pinned a bright medal to her jacket. "We owe you the galaxy, Commander Shepard."

Shepard swung at him halfheartedly. The viewers at home thought it was a thoughtful gesture, one that communicated the desire to hug. Hackett cautiously patted her shoulder as he side-stepped the swing. Shepard-husk said, "Uuuugh." Her next swing wasn't as gentle. The TV cut to commercial as Hackett and several other Alliance soldiers wrestled Shepard-husk to the ground and dragged her off stage.

In the melee, she ate her medal of honor.

* * *

Of course, it stood to reason that they'd need to clear out left-over Reaper slaves from many parts of Earth. The crew was a little uncertain about what weapons Shepard-husk could wield, but they all decided that it would be best to start with the N7 assault rifle the old Shepard had always used.

On the field, they handed it to her. Shepard-husk tried to eat it. Thankfully, the safety was on.

Liara helpfully supplied her pistol. They watched hopefully as Shepard-husk flicked off the safety in what appeared to be a practiced move. The gun went off.

Vega grabbed it from Shepard-husk and said, "It's okay! You probably didn't need that finger anyway. Look, let's just keep it to the omni tool."

Except, well, Shepard husk tended to run at Marauders and the like and swing her arms whilly-nilly. She never once engaged her omni tool. When she wasn't rushing after Marauders, she tended to be drawn by butterflies and floating flowers. Despite their fear of upsetting Shepard-husk, the crew decided she was better off staying out of combat missions.

* * *

In the end, they really weren't sure what to do with Shepard-husk. The solution came in the form none of them suspected. Khalisah al-Jilani actually supplied it; she spoke to them all in confidence. "I'm thinking of hosting a reality television show. I'd love to have Shepard star in it."

The crew felt tremendous relief. They decided that it wouldn't be moral to decide for Shepard-husk, so they brought her into the discussion. "Does this sound like something you want to do, Shepard?" Liara asked gently.

Shepard-husk groaned and salivated. They always took that to be the positive sign.

"Excellent," al-Jilani said. Then Shepard-husk took another look at her and leapt into action faster than the crew could anticipate.

It wasn't a pretty sight. The reality show was cancelled, al-Jilani sued Shepard-husk for all she was worth, and the crew decided Shepard-husk would be happiest in a zoo exhibit with her own kind. There, she lived the rest of her days, on display for galaxy races to marvel at her deeds. In fact, she never did die as a husk. Some thought it was because of her Cerberus implants. Others thought it was a result of using the Crucible. No one ever figured it out though, and eventually, her name was legend and no more.

* * *

"But Grandpa, I thought you said The Shepard was a beautiful woman who many different varieties of aliens wanted as their wife?"

The old man sighed. "Back during those dark times, people looked quite different than you and I do now."

The Shepard-husk banged her head against the glass display window. She stopped and drooled. The display plaque just at her waist (on the other side of the glass) said, THE SHEPHERD, SAVIOR OF THE GALAXY.

The boy looked at Shepard-husk uncertainly. The old man patted his head. "It makes more sense than the other story I thought about telling you."


	4. Hannah gets an eyefull

**Too Close for Comfort**

Prompt: Hannah Shepard is fed up with her daughter's lack of communication since the reapers defeat (we're just gonna ignore the bullshit endings Bioware fed us, so author anon can headcanon that ending any way they like), and decides to pay her an impromptu visit. She accidentally walks in on Shepard and her LI's ongoing I-can't-believe-we-survived-that sexfest.

* * *

Enough was enough. Hannah had done her best to back off and be a supportive Mom from the side, but with the Reapers gone, her daughter had absolutely no excuse for ignoring her calls and emails. Well, maybe she was busy, but no child in the galaxy could be too busy for their mother!

She strode aboard the Normandy, ignored the shocked faces of the crew, asked the entirety of the command deck, "Where is my daughter?!"

There was a long silence. Then a disembodied voice said, "Commander Shepard is in the captain's cabin, which can be reached by pressing 1 in the elevator." It was satisfying that the VI knew exactly who she was talking about. Judging by the shell-shocked faces around the crew, they'd figured it out as well. They probably didn't even know Jane had a mother. Shame on her!

As Hannah strode to the elevator, she overheard someone say in a faux whisper, "Shit, EDI's been scared right out of her body."

Hannah couldn't even begin to comprehend that statement. She stepped into the elevator, and the two crew members that were loitering inside immediately stepped out. Her finger snapped onto the 1 button, and she waited, stone-faced, as it took her upward.

A small hallway, with a green-lit door, greeted her. Overhead, that disembodied voice said, "It may be optimal to wait while I let Commander Shepard know you've arrived."

What did a VI know? Hannah punched the doorway, and it slid open. She strode into Jane's room, saying, "Jane, sweetheart, don't you think you should have contacted your—Oh, my god!"

Her daughter, her wonderful, forgetful, supposedly innocent daughter, who'd never dated anyone, was completely naked, in bed with an asari—also naked. They were sharing a decidedly recreational exercise. Jane sat up sharply, and the asari flopped flat onto the floor with a gasp. "Mom!"

"Ow," the asari mumbled. She stopped. "Mom?" Then she looked over her shoulder and stared, just as Jane was, just as Hannah herself was. All three of them had a wide-eyed moment of flabbergasted shock before Hannah remembered herself. She threw up her hands and backed away. "I'm so sorry. I'll—I'll just be outside."

A few minutes later, the door opened, and Jane and her…friend…stepped out. The asari gave a strained smile. "This is about as awkward as possible." She held out her hand. Hannah stared at it, remembering exactly where it had been. "I'm Liara T'soni." She paused. "I washed my hands."

Hannah blushed. "Um, hi." She shook Liara's hand. "You're… You two are. Roomates?"

Jane put a hand over her face. She rubbed it violently. "No, Mom. We're girlfriends."

"I'd prefer the term bondmate, actually," Liara said. Hannah noticed her tone was a little smug. "Well, it was nice to meet you." She promptly got on the elevator and left Hannah and her daughter in mortified silence.

"Could you have maybe warned us?"

Hannah was indignant. "Maybe if I had known there was an 'us' I would have! Are—I mean, I'm not sure—"

Jane waved her question off. "Let's go sit down. Maybe open some brandy."

Hannah pointedly did not drink. She'd done a few stupid things during her first years of active duty, including binging on shore leave, and that had turned her off of alcohol. Now, however, she nodded. "Yes, a drink."

They sat, drinks in hand, and regarded each other. Hannah cleared her throat. "So, I mean. I suppose I never considered it before, but being with an asari, does that mean you're…?"

"Gay? Yes, Mom. I'm gay."

Hannah took a deep breath and exhaled it before she took a quick drink to settle her nerves. It was strange. She'd never once considered it, possibly because Jane had always been so career driven. Jane had never once mentioned a…girlfriend. "So, is she your first…?"

"Girlfriend? No. Well, yes. She's my first serious girlfriend. I mean, we're going to get married at some point. Lots of little blue children and all that. Maybe." Jane shook her head and knocked back her drink.

"Maybe?" Hannah asked, feeling light-headed.

"Well, we haven't had much of a chance to talk about it, since the Reapers were defeated all of a few days ago."

"Uh, huh." A thought occurred to her. "And your girlfriend—"

"Liara."

"Liara. Isn't she a little old for you?"

Jane looked like she wanted to bang her head on the table. Then she quirked a grin—just like her father—and said, "Oh, well, she's only one-hundred and nine."

Hannah took a long drink.

"Really, though, that's pretty young by asari standards. We haven't talked about the age difference too much."

"And what does Liara do, exactly?"

The look on Jane's face was frozen terror. She looked at her lap and sipped her drink. "Well… She was an academic, an anthropologist. Researching the Protheans. But, well, recently she's gotten into information brokering."

"Hah." Hannah tried to salvage a joke out of it. "The Shadow Broker?"

Jane's eyes went wide. Hannah lost her smile. "You're joking."

"That's really confidential. Completely."

Hannah took the last sip and held out her tumbler for another refill. "Sweetheart, you've got to learn how to lie about that."

"Yeah, I know." Jane's tone was sulky.

Accepting her refill, Hannah took another sip. The tension in her body eased a little as the alcohol hit her system. She refused to think about the Shadow Broker thing. Absolutely. Next topic: "And, um, Liara… Does she have a family?"

"Well, her mother died a few years ago."

"That's terrible. How did she die?"

Jane stared into her drink and mumbled, "I-may-have-killed-her."

"WHAT?"

"She was working with Saren. Mind-controlled, indoctrinated. It was a bad situation. Please, please don't ask her about her mother, Mom."

"Oh, my lord." Hannah held the glass up to her forehead, once again light-headed. "And her…father?"

"Um, another asari. She's a matriarch on the Citadel. She made it out with that group of civilians and C-Sec."

"I see." Hannah contemplated meeting her daughter's friend's 'father'… "I suppose I'll have to meet her."

Jane violently shook her head. "No, no, no, I don't think that's a great idea."

"I think it's necessary, sweetheart—" She ground that last word out. "—if you plan to marry this girl."

"Oh, geez."

"I take it she doesn't know about you?"

"Oh, she knows. I think I got a stamp of approval. But, well, she's a bit…out there." Jane shook her head and took another sip of her drink. "If you think walking in on me and Liara was awkward, then you have no idea what Aethyta is like."

Much later, after Hannah had returned to her own vessel and Liara ventured back to the Jane's room, Jane summed up the entire horrible conversation by saying, "She wants to meet your father."

Liara finished off the bottle of brandy.


	5. Hello, Rear Admiral

**Hello, Rear Admiral**

Prompt: Requesting a prompt of a Paragon Female Shepard and Liara having a dinner date with their respective Mother/Father, Hannah Shepard and Matriarch Aethyta. The date is awkward at best, as both parents ask their respective daughter's lover awkward questions and such.

* * *

"I don't know," Liara said. "I'd feel a lot more comfortable doing this on the Normandy."

"With my mother looking at our bed remembering seeing us on it?"

Liara bumped hips with Shepard; her lips quirked in a smile. "Our bed, is it?"

"I'm sorry, Liara, but I absolutely cannot sleep in your room with all those monitors pointed at us. Your room is your office, with your bed in a corner. My room has our bed in it with my desk in the corner."

Liara's gaze was a little sultry. "I don't remember you complaining about using it the other day." She motioned to the table they'd reserved on the officer's deck of the USS Olympus (the dreadnaught Hannah Shepard commandeered). "We're here before either of them."

"I'd almost rather they met first."

"I know what you mean."

Shepard sat down, twiddled her thumbs, and looked at Liara a touch desperately. "How bad could it be, really?"

Liara bit her lip.

"Yep. Thought so."

After a few nervous minutes, Aethyta wandered over to their table, looking her fill. She nodded to Shepard and Liara as she sat. "So your mother commands this vessel?"

"Yes. She's Rear admiral."

Aethyta whistled. "I love a woman in power. And that title sparks lots of speculation from my dirty mind."

Shepard buried her face in her hands, and Liara laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. This was how Hannah Shepard found them. Aethyta stood as the woman, in full uniform, approached the table. "Nice to meet you, honey," she said dryly. "Nice uniform."

Hannah wasn't entirely sure what to make of the matriarch. "You must be Liara's mo—er, father."

"Just call me Aethyta. You're Shepard's mom, huh? You popped her out and all that."

Hannah had a look of vague perplexity, but she answered the question gamely enough. "Well, Shepard's father couldn't very well carry and deliver her."

"He coming?" Aethyta asked, glancing around as they sat.

Shepard sighed, praying her mother wouldn't start rating on that taboo topic of their household. Hannah's smile was like a razor blade as she said, "No, he's not here. I divorced that lying son of a bitch ten years ago. Sorry, Jane." She smiled sweetly at their server and they all paused to order drinks. Shepard ordered a scotch on the rocks, and as soon as it came, she gulped a burning swallow down.

Aethyta grinned wolfishly. "So you're single, huh?"

It was a weird question to Hannah, but maybe it was just an asari quirk. She was willing to be polite in the face of strangeness. "Yes, I am single."

"Lucky me—ow! Watch where you're kicking, kiddo. I fathered you, I can damn well take you over my knee and spank you."

"Can we change the topic, please?" Shepard said, squeezing Liara's knee in both thanks and warning. Liara shot her a glare, and Shepard responded with a look that she hoped communicated: she's-your-father-don't-look-at-me.

"So, Liara, Jane tells me you two are very serious about your relationship. I was wondering if asari marry. Well, I suppose just if you and Jane planned to marry and when."

Liara raised her brow and turned to Shepard. "We're serious, are we?"

"Aren't we?" Shepard smiled gently at her. "I was seriously about all those little blue children too." She hesitated. "You aren't too young, are you?"

"No, I'm not." Liara threaded her fingers through Shepard's, and they shared a smile. "Shouldn't we wait until most of the restoration projects are established?"

"Sure, for kids. But we can get married as soon as you want."

Liara shifted closer. "How soon?"

Shepard's smile was soft. She drew Liara's hand up to kiss it. "Like I said, as soon as you want."

"We've lost them completely, haven't we?" Hannah asked Aethyta. The other woman hummed and nodded. "They're gonna start necking faster than a Salarian can piss off a Krogan. We should beat them to it."

Hannah was nodding along, then she stopped and turned her head in shock. "What did you—"

Aethyta cut her off with a kiss that put a few scenes in Vaenia to shame. Shepard and Liara predictably turned their attention to their respective parent and gasped. "What the hell are you doing to my mother?!"

"Aethyta! That's so inappropriate!"

"This is an outrage!"

Everyone at the table spared Shepard a withering glance. She winced, feeling vaguely tipsy. "I wanted to say it once in my life. It seemed like a good time."

Oddly enough, Hannah seemed to be the least upset. She pursed her lips and a pink flush rose up her throat. "You are a, um, good kisser."

Aethyta grinned and winked. "One thousand years to perfect my technique, babe. Though I gotta say, I've never done it with a human before."

"No, I would never…" Hannah trailed off as she looked over at Aethyta.

Aethyta waggled her brows. "Mind-sex, baby."

"Kill me now," Shepard and Liara chorused together.

By the time they got to dessert, Liara and Shepard had polished off three bottles of wine together, on top of Shepard's scotch. Hannah seemed pleasantly buzzed, but she hadn't been drinking. Aethyta was having a grand 'ole time embarrassing the hell out of all three of them.

"So, how's the sex life?"

Hannah laughed into her hand. "I can attest to the fact that it's quite active."

Shepard laid her head on Liara's shoulder and began to cry, "Oh, the humanity!"

"She's pretty giddy now that galactic peace has been restored," Aethyta commented.

"Jane gets a little silly when she drinks."

Shepard's smile looked more like a grimace of dire pain. "Yes, because I'm the silly one. Being asked about my sex life in front of my mother!"

"I didn't even know she had a sex life until I walked in on them," Hannah confided to Aethyta. The matriarch was skeptical, but she let that pass. Instead she asked conspiratorially, "Who was on top?"

Liara dropped her head on top of Shepard's. She whispered. "Do you think they'd notice if I dropped a singularity field over the table?"

"They'd just keep talking about us suspended in midair, Liara. You'd need to pull off two status…statuses…statusisises."

"Shepard, you _are_ a silly drunk."

Across from them, Hannah said, "Liara was."

Aethyta made an ah-ha sound. "I knew it! I knew that girl had it in her. Her mother—old Nezzie. Boy she could dom the hell out of me. Super sexy."

Liara held up her fingers, a hair's breadth apart. "I am this close to putting you in a stasus field."

"Oh, Liara, it's all natural. Your mother was sexy."

"She was my mother! I only want to remember her in context of fixing my scrapes and singing me a lullaby."

Aethyta tsk'ed. "How do you think you got here, honey? It took some lovin'."

Hannah hesitated. "How does that work for asari exactly? I never really thought about it."

"Mind sex and some genome mapping and out pops an asari baby a little less than a year later."

"Oh, of course. Little blue children."

"I totally coined a new moniker, didn't I?" Shepard asked. She smiled at the waiter. "I'd love a bottle of champagne." He straightened and looked like she'd asked him to carry out a mission. "It's an honor to serve you, Commander Shepard." He saluted.

Shepard abruptly sobered up. "The honor is mine, soldier. It was your efforts that won this war and saved this galaxy."

The server's chest expanded, and his eyes filled with tears. "Thank you, ma'am!" He marched off smartly.

Aethyta whistled. "Now I get that charisma thing. You managed that line while shit-faced, Commander, asking for another bottle of booze. Well done."

"Oh god, I'm not going to enjoy tomorrow morning, am I?"

Liara smiled. "Shepard, I think we drank the perfect amount to be hung-over but remember every word of tonight's dinner."

"Too bad your mother doesn't drink." Aethyta winked at Hannah. "I might have gotten her drunk and finally put that human notch in my belt."

"I was half-way tempted until you said that," Hannah replied dryly.

Aethyta mimed rolling up her sleeves. "I just heard a challenge, and I love rising to the occasion."

The server came back, double-timing, and Shepard raised her hand to stop him from popping the cork. "We'll take that to-go, soldier. These two can settle up on our behalf." She gestured vaguely at the two women across the table from her then grabbed the bottle of champagne and got to her feet a tad unstably.

The server saluted and said, "God-speed, Commander Shepard."

Liara mumbled, "Truer words have not been spoken."


End file.
